Cagefight America!

What an exciting summer it’s been! So much to celebrate this year, and what better way than with a gladiatorial contest right in the heart of American democracy? Cage fighting has long been a passion of Beth & Liz, so you can imagine their excitement when the esteemed sport made it to the White House lawn. Unwilling to sit it out on the sidelines, our ladies decided to have a cage fight of their own, and fashion was sure to win the day!

An extremist neck gaiter paired with wraparound sunglasses emphasized her commitment to insurrectionist American glamour, while also concealing her identity when necessary. Complementing the look was a pure-blooded red, white, and blue tie-dyed vest which gave a finger to youthful idealism. Snowy tresses, reflecting an aging base, were topped with a bedazzled country girl blue jean baseball cap with the requisite American flag smothering her prefrontal cortex. And Old Glory flew one last time across a pair of canvas loafers which squeezed her toes like a dwindling majority.

In the other corner, Beth embodied Shithole Chic with a look that is sure to self deport. She came out fighting in a dazzling sleeveless v-neck diamante blouse with a blue wave pattern evoking the sparkling Caribbean waters of an oil-rich neighboring country about to be invaded. A bounteous fitted bust suggested plentiful resources to exploit before descending to an expanding colonial empire waist that flowed across her border like cheap labor. Across her global south, a ravishing pair of stretch workout shorts in a blue, orange, and white palm frond motif detained the eye indefinitely without charge (Habeus THIS corpus, Beth!), while a beguiling turquoise balaclava with cannabis leaf silhouettes, enhanced by a pair of interrogating rhinestone-studded cat eye sunglasses, justified military intervention. And billowing like abandoned ideals around this dramatic toggery, an electric blue scarf with starlike sequins promised a better future that it refused to fulfill. The fascinating ensemble rested on unstable 8-inch heels in a sultry blue paisley bandana fabric, with restraining ankle straps laces guaranteed to keep her firmly on her own soil. Talk about torture!

Our fighting fashionistas realized in the end that they were on the same side, and decided to share the championship belt. It was an exhilarating day for Team Slatternly, and a tribute to the greatness of America; what other country can do so many wonderful things with a cage? Truly, we live in inspiring times.

Liz was team USA, and her patriotic ensemble screamed America First in red, white, & blue. No black or brown here! She pledged her allegiance to supremacy, starting with a blinding gathered nylon bodycon crotch length dress in replacement theory red that gripped her torso like a shrinking demographic desperately clinging to power. Keep those Patriot missiles in your pants, fellas! Full length fitted stocking sleeves ending in dog whistle cuffs emphasized her every coded gesture, while an alluringly nationalistic star-spangled sports bra protected those tender white beacons of femininity from gravity, blows, and the leering gaze of the lustful masses.