Announcing a Press Conference

Bigger Than Any Other Press Conference In All of History

Article by Clay Roper, Photographs by Anonymous, Art Direction by Liz and Beth

5/11/20252 min read

In the current fecal maelstrom that is USA politics, it is our official position here at Slatternly that the cowardly mainstream media continue to avoid asking the truly important question regarding the new regime congealing in the upper ranks of society. Specifically, we want to know what the newly minted royalty of US politics will wear as they lord over amber waves of grain from their ornate palaces that will soon replace the dowdy White House?

Unfortunately, while our press conference was recorded, most of it was erased. But as one fan said, the still photos from the conference are “jaw-dropping”. They were talking about our outfits, of course. And that’s what’s important, right? Who cares about substance - appearance is everything! Basically, the lost video said, "fashion shoot of our proposed American Royal Regalia coming soon!'

The founding editors of Slatternly held a press conference at the Four Seasons Total Landscaping company, where Rudy Giuliani brazenly disputed the authenticity of the 2020 presidential election. Apparently, a staff member, charged with the task of organizing a press conference at the Four Seasons Hotel, somehow, instead booked the Landscaping company’s gravel lot (next to an adult novelty store! true story – check out the MSNBC documentary). We’d like to thank Four Seasons Total Landscaping for allowing us to hold our press conference in their parking lot. They could not have been nicer – they even gave us free t-shirts and allowed us to take selfies with a life-size cutout of Rudy that they keep in their office!! We'd also like to give a shout out to 2A Thrift Store in Philadelphia for our press conference outfits!

Thus, we are delighted – ecstatic even – to announce that the resident fashion mavens (us) at Slatternly will soon be unveiling our vision for the new All-American Royal Regalia. We believe we are uniquely positioned to offer advice re the ceremonial garb that will be donned by the future kings and queens of America. We chose the historic city of Philadelphia for the unveiling of our splendiferous vision in our upcoming summer issue. It is fitting that the city that birthed our democracy should also proclaim its death.